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We May Not Make it Through This

by Yume Nikki

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1.
Hopedrunk 04:58
he drinks deep of the hope / pouring out of his chest like honey but down inside he knows / he’ll never gaze upon this land again so he scrawls on the door / “we may not make it through this, my friend” and he blinds himself with his pen / so he may feel his way to bethlehem once again drunk on the hope of human life against all logic and sense drunk on false hope On human love against all logic and sense
2.
Bethlehem 03:57
mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord singing songs of judaea and reciting hymns of old a cruel uncaring monster, dubbed an angel by his fold spitting and scratching like a cat left out in the cold so i drink deep of the honey, pouring forth from the heart of man and steel myself for travel across barren, dead land to bethlehem once again
3.
4.
WE COMB THE WRECKAGE OF A GREAT SHIP SEARCHING FOR A RECORD OF DAYS GONE All this world / is just a ruin / an empty tomb A plaque on a grave / a solemn grey sobriquet But for what? all for what? FOR DAYS WE WAIT GROWING COLD BENEATH A CRUEL SKY I see this world empty as a paper cup In my dream that fills me up with nameless dread But tonight the clouds part Yeah tonight I see the moon It’s All for naught
5.
6.
WE COMB THE WRECKAGE OF A GREAT SHIP SEARCHING FOR A RECORD OF DAYS GONE FOR DAYS WE WAIT GROWING COLD BENEATH A CRUEL SKY DARKLY DREAMING OF A NEW WORLD AS THE OLD ONE DIES AND DEATH COMES FOR US ALL
7.
Seeds 06:27
seeds of doubt/bloom to fear cover the prairie/and choke the air we cannot make it/we lose all hope experiment over/return to dust so life may start again no tomorrow/no escaping death the earth will be fed with/bones and ash from the morons/the idiotic dead who doomed us all/who pulled our card betrayed by our fellow man trapped in a cycle/no relief born into this/broken shell to die slowly/poisoned by the very earth we/bow upon now destroyed by man (I used to dream of a place - a windswept plain; a sun obscured by clouds; ash and snow, commingled, drifting down from a broken sky. I thought it was another world. A place so dead, so barren, so lifeless that its stewards must've died in the crash - their heads slammed against the wheel, blood pooling down beneath the pedals. Only a corpse could've steered things so wrong. I was so certain that it was another world until my eyes changed and I saw that it was my planet - that we had done this - the seeds sowed so long ago blooming into great and terrible boughs that block out the sun. How long has it been since I saw the sun? How long has it been since I felt whole?)

about

This is a cycle of songs heavily inspired by two literary trilogies - The Southern Reach Trilogy by Jeff VanderMeer and the Remembrance of Earth’s Past series by Cixin Liu - as well as the fact that I had so much more to say to you. This is what I wrote the day that I found out you were gone:

“We met in the 7th grade when we were asked to introduce ourselves to the class. I said “I like Punk Rock” and I heard a kid yell “YEAH” from across the room. After that, we were pretty inseparable for a few years. We spent a lot of time just goofing around, playing video games and listening to music. He is the person who showed me the band Pixies, which changed my life and directly led me to where I am now. As we got older, we grew apart - as you do - but we’d still meet up every few years to catch up over too many drinks. I am deeply saddened that he won’t make our next appointment.”

I didn’t write these songs about you or your passing but, jesus christ, I may as well have. Maybe I felt something like this coming or maybe I write this kind of stuff out of reflex. “Black Moon” was written about Eric and a little bit about Ben, “Desiccated Earth” was largely about falling out with Tariq, “His Body Danced” was based on songs written following Sandy’s death and sort of reconfigured to be about the whole human race dying out. What’s another dead relation? What’s another song written in mourning?

“We May Not Make it Through This” could’ve been about you or me or you and me. I don’t know. I guess I imagined a blind sage wandering off to a place where no one could follow him; some imagined paradise that held no joy or relief but had to be sought out regardless. Is that what you did? Is that what oblivion feels like?

It’s hard to see much through the veil of sadness but when I do it’s anger. I’m mad at you for what you did. I’m mad at you for never picking up your phone. I’m mad at myself for not breaking through that wall; for not being a better friend. We were both lost - but I live on to continue wandering and try again. You don’t.

Maybe this record feels like it was made for you because it contains no hope or light. This wasn’t by design - and I certainly don’t want anyone to do what you did - but the fact remains that I can’t really muster up any hope for the future of Earth or humanity. I really feel like we lost. We ruined Earth and now we’re just running out the clock on the human race. A hopeless science fiction, that sounds like the sort of thing you would’ve really liked (like NGE, Vonnegut, Sturgeon, etc.).

But what do I know? We hadn’t spoken in a couple years. I can’t say how you had changed or who you were when it happened. I can only look at myself as a mirror of the things I've seen and reflect something back at anyone who chooses to look into it. I can be your mirror, I guess. What else could I be? I wish you were here to tell me. I wish they all were here.

“We may have fantasized about being the last, but we're still out here scraping tar and mud from our boots as we carry on over the razed and rotten fields. So it goes.”

credits

released November 30, 2022

Drums on 1-2 and 4-6 by Cole Benson
Drums on 3 and 7 by Justin Maloney

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Yume Nikki Minneapolis, Minnesota

Doomgaze, Celestial Sludge, Blackened Ambient, DSSM

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